Miss Susan's Hogswatch
by Runt Thunderbelch
Summary: While the rest of us slumber, safe in our Hogswatch beds, Miss Susan has been working.


While the rest of us slumber, safe in our Hogswatch beds, Miss Susan has been working.

Disc/Laimer:

I don't own Mr. Pratchett's Disc World stories.

**Miss Susan's Hogswatch**

By

Runt Thunderbelch

Twas the night before Hogswatch, and throughout the Disc,

Monsters were scheming. Yes, they'd take the risk,

To spread fear and mayhem, and torrents of fear,

A perfect foul ending for a perfect foul year.

From out of the caverns, from out of their dens,

From out of their caskets, from out of their pens,

These creepies came crawling; they slithered; they slid.

These monsters came lurching, to places unbid.

Anhk-Morpork lay sleeping, oblivious, serene.

'Neath a carpet of snow, so placid and clean.

Each citizen slept all snug in his bed.

While approaching were creatures to fill him with dread.

In a turret built, just off of her garret,

Miss Susan sat reading a book of some merit,

When her eagle-sharp eye caught a movement quite grim,

A creature was stirring. Twas darker than sin.

Up she stood in an instant, and down went her book.

She was sure that's she'd seen it, but now that she looked,

The streets were all empty; there was nothing to see.

"Oh, they wouldn't dare! Would they dare to face me?"

She picked up her poker; she put on her coat,

Warm gloves for her hands, and a scarf 'round her throat.

The look in her eyes became red-raged maddened.

If monsters came near, they'd wish that they hadn't.

To the outside cold crunch, of new-fallen snow.

Croaked a too-nearby raven. Cawed a circling crow.

Shadows danced in the torchlight; rats scampered away.

Susan Sto Helit had come out to play.

The first one appeared, lurching along.

Out slashed the poker to prove he'd done wrong.

A nasty one skimmed on a cold, icy wind.

So she hit him just once. Then she hit him again.

Oh here was big one, as tall as a tower!

So she raised up her poker, and then saw him cower.

'Round a dark corner, one was trying to sneak.

When she raised up her poker, it emitted a shriek.

Two near a temple, crumbled and bled.

Three down by a barroom, turned tails and fled.

A winged one soared well over her head.

So she flung up a chunk of dwarf battlebread.

Sharp fangs did chatter when they saw her approach.

Stone hearts did shatter with her words of reproach.

"You came here before. Sure, you remember when

You vowed that if let go, you'd ne'r come here again."

Her poker struck hard and with grim resolve.

A night made for silence, into mayhem devolved.

When Miss Susan stalked off to the east,

She came across a most grizzly feast.

Gnawed pork bones on snow, lay chewed on and scattered.

The Hogfather's sledge lay broken, completely shattered.

The fat man himself was up in a tree.

His look to Miss Susan was a piteous plea.

His presents for kiddies, lay cold in the snow.

Randle's sundered snout was no longer aglow.

Hogfather was panicked, all shaking with fear.

No chimneys would he climb into this year.

Susan picked up the reins from up off of the ground,

And eight vile beasts, she began to impound.

She bound them with reins, and with a "Miss-Susan Look."

She'd deliver the gifts, whatever it took.

And handing an ogre the big bag of gifts,

She urged the mob forward, no "buts," "ands," or "ifs."

Oh, reasonable folk would say twas insane,

But she drove them all forward and called them by name:

"Now, Mayhem! Now, Crusher! Now, Long Tooth and Killer!

On, Reaper! On, Creeper! On, Carnage and Chiller!

Down this street to the bridge! Then passed the dwarves' hall!

Now dash away, villains! Dash away, all!"

They raced down the street, but at each hovel and shack,

She left gifts a plenty from the Hogfather's sack:

A big ball for Bertie, a dollhouse for Bess,

And for Uncle Jackie, a new game of chess.

She filled every stocking, left gifts under the tree;

She ate every cookie; she drank all the tea.

House after house felt her beneficent touch.

Most children got plenty (but some got too much).

So when the night ended, and dawn started to break,

Miss Susan smiled kindly as folks started to wake.

The townsfolk rose joyous, with laughter and glee.

To see all the wonders waiting under the tree.

And in the chilled shadows, stretched long with the dawn,

Miss Susan spoke most softly to tusks and monstrous brawn:

"You're bitter, I know, and angry and sad

That you're left out of Hogswatch, because you've been bad.

"Yes, you've frightened the children and bitten their dogs.

And you know it was you, who ate the Hogfather's hogs.

But here is a secret, so much truer than true:

The spirit of Hogswatch is not about you.

"Hogswatch won't make you happy; it doesn't bring joy.

There's no guaranteed cheer, in all of this hoi polloi.

To make Hogswatch happy, YOU must bring wonder to IT.

A happy Hogswatch is what you have to commit.

"Joy's not for taking, but for giving away.

Bring cheer to others, and don't do it halfway.

For in giving a smile, you get one back too.

Spread holiday cheer, and joy will ensue.

"Don't sit back waiting, for a 'happiness' gift.

Self-centered greed gives Hogswatch, exilic short shrift.

So when in the future, if you're feeling distress,

Will you bring joy to others?" They all answered, "NOOOO!"

So Susan spread joy and holiday cheer.

Monsters spread mayhem and panic and fear.

The gods of Cori Celestia, smiled down on the land

To see the Disc work, exactly as planned.

The End


End file.
